TFGH Alternate Endings
by lovelyluna507
Summary: Please do not read this if you have not listened to the amazing podcast Tales From Godric's Hollow. It will make no sense otherwise. If you have not listened, I highly recommend you do so. It is one of the best things ever.
1. Matt

While most could agree it really sucked Voldemort won and Harry was dead, even the Death Eaters started getting more bored than anything else as their leader's victory speech went on and on. After not sleeping for a full 24 hours, no one wanted this.

"Hogwarts will still be open, but this time there will be only one house. Which one, you ask? Well, that's not too difficult. Knowing me and how I roll, it should be obvious that I would go with… drumroll please." All the Death Eaters half-heartedly drummed their hands on their legs. "Ravenclaw!"

Silence.

No one quite knew how to respond to that. "Um, sir?" Lucius said. "Don't you mean Slytherin?"

"No, of course not. You know what we wizards need? More Ravenclaws. With Slytherins and Gryffindors always acting compulsively and Hufflepuffs never really doing anything, it's a miracle anything gets done. We could all use a little bit more logic. Just look at my Horcruxes. All of them are these really fancy, one of a kind things. I could have easily turned a bunch of rocks into Horcruxes and dropped them all off in different parts of the ocean. Any Ravenclaw would have known to do that."

In a strange twist of fate, many of the good guys started siding more with Voldemort than the Death Eaters were. "We'll still get to kill all the m*db***ds, right?" Bellatrix asked.

"Yeah, of course. We aren't stupid."

"No!" Neville stepped out of the crowd. "We will stop you!" Voldemort sighed before calmly setting Neville's head on fire. Hermione quickly put it out.

"Charge!" Yelled a crowd of people from the Forbidden Forest.

"Who the hell…" Voldemort's voice trailed off as the herd of creatures came into view. It wasn't Centaurs. It wasn't Giants. It certainly wasn't house elves since every single one of them died during the battle. It was instead a pack of muggles wearing cheese on their head. Before anyone could react, they all tackled Voldemort.

"Wait!" shouted Hermione. "You need to kill the snake first!"

"How are they gonna do that?" asked Ron "They don't have a basilisk fang or the sword."

"They don't need it, Ron! Look!" Hermione showed Ron a page from one of her books:

things that can destroy horcruxes

Basilisk venom

Anything plot convenient

Cheeseheads

"Brillant!" said Ron as the muggles obeyed Hermione's instructions and killed Nagini by feeding her too much cheese. Soon, the same was done to Voldemort. Everyone cheered and agreed to go to every Packers' game from now on.

Just when everyone thought things couldn't possibly get any better, Snape suddenly showed up.

"Professor Snape!? How are you alive!?" yelled everyone in unison.

"I have no idea." He replied.

And thus, the good side won. Ravenclaw's were finally accepted as real by the entire wizarding world, including stubborn Hufflepuffs, the Packers never lost another game and Snape somehow managed to live forever. He won Teacher of the Year 507 years in a row before retiring. All was well.


	2. Josh

All was silent as Voldy got up after his attack on Harry Potter in the forbidden forest quite literally backfired. Voldy quickly ordered a death eater to check and makes sure Harry was actually dead. Narcissa did so and confirmed the killing curse's success.

"Yay! We did it!" shouted all the hive-minded Death Eaters at once. Hagrid alone mourned the loss of his best friend. It's a little odd that his best friend is like 50 years younger than him, but everyone was too busy celebrating to judge.

"Alright. Let's get moving," said Voldy. Everyone began their march to the castle. Along the way, Voldy let Nagini out of her fun bubble-shield thingy. She was a little upset, but let it go since her master let her have a great snack earlier. A little greasy for her taste, but whatever. The rest of the walk was peaceful with everyone walking in an orderly fashion to the castle.

All at once the Death Eaters heard a loud sound coming from in front of them. They all took out their wands, but nothing could have prepared them for what was coming. They stood helplessly as a giant squid came running from the direction of the lake directly at them. No one knew how it was out of the water, let alone running, but they were all too amazed to care. They were so amazed, in fact, that no one did anything as it jumped on Voldy and started strangling him. It was only now that everyone could see the beast was not alone. It didn't take them long to recognise the amazing, beautiful person riding the squid's back.

"It's the most wonderful, misunderstood journalist of all time, Rita Skeeter!" yelled everyone in unison.

"Get 'im, Squidy!" she ordered from atop the mighty creature.

"Protect…. Nagini" said Voldy, struggling to speak under Squidy's tight grip. The Death Eaters finally snapped back into focus and went to cast a shield charm. However, they were too late. A cluster of some sort of insect came together in order to hold the Sword of Gryffindor. They collectively stabbed Nagini, killing her in one hit. Only then were the creatures identified. Flobberworms. It seemed they were useful after all.

Will all Horcruxes destroyed, Voldy finally died. Squidy and Rita swiftly left the scene, the former dragging Voldy's corpse behind him. The Death Eaters, masterless, had no idea what the hell just happened and ran away and all collectively agreed to never speak of this again. Hagrid was having some serious mixed emotions right now, but decided to continue his walk to the castle.

Everyone celebrated Voldy's death in different ways. While other people partied and had fun, the DA knew they had to honor Harry Potter in some way. Eventually, they all agreed that something needed to be done in order for his spirit to finally rest. And thus, another search began.

It took many years, but one day they finally completed their mission. Everyone stood in a circle around their collected items. Then, each one of them took out their wands and casted a fire charm. In one final moment of victory, they all got to watch as everyone single copy of any of Lockhart's books burned in the only justifiable book burning in history. All was well.


End file.
